For Couples on the Brink
Discernment Counseling in Plano, Texas
Discernment Counseling is a structured 1-5-session process that helps mixed-agenda couples decide whether to divorce or work on their marriage (in a new way).
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The Doherty Relationship Institute’s
What is Discernment Counseling
A Brief Overview
When one partner has “one foot out the door” and the other is trying to hold things together, traditional marriage counseling is especially challenging. How can you work on a marriage when you’re not even sure you want to be in it?
That’s where discernment counseling comes in.
Discernment counseling is a brief counseling process (1-5 sessions) specifically designed for couples at this crossroads. It’s not about fixing your marriage right now—it’s about helping each of you gain clarity and confidence about whether your marriage can and should be saved, or whether it’s time to let go with dignity and respect.
Discernment Counseling helps couples decide on one of three paths:
Path 1: Continue the status quo
Path 2: Go your separate ways (divorce)
Path 3: Commit to 6 months of couples therapy (divorce is off the table, and you are each working on your agenda for change that we already created).
It’s a time-limited therapy (1-5 sessions), especially for couples where one person is leaning into the relationship (wants to stay together) and the other is leaning out (feeling unsure or wants to leave).
What Makes Discernment Counseling Different From Marriage Counseling?
Marriage counseling assumes you both want to work on your relationship. But what happens when one of you isn’t sure you even want to be married anymore?
That’s the problem discernment counseling solves.
In discernment counseling, we don’t start by trying to fix your marriage. Instead, we help you both understand:
- How did we get here
- What is each person’s contribution to the problems?
- Is there a realistic path to a better marriage?
- Do we both want to take that path?
You’ll each have individual time with me, plus time together as a couple.
The “leaning out” partner gets space to explore their ambivalence without pressure. The “leaning in” partner gets clarity about what happened and what’s realistically possible.
After 1-5 sessions, you’ll both have a much clearer sense of whether your marriage can be saved—and whether you want to save it.
How Discernment Counseling Works
Discernment counseling is refreshingly straightforward.
No endless weekly sessions. No homework.
Just focused clarity work over 1-5 meetings.
Here’s how each session works:
We start with a brief check-in together, then I meet with each of you individually. This structure is gives the uncertain partner space to explore their doubts without feeling judged or pressured, and it gives the committed partner a chance to understand what really happened and what be possible to change.
In those individual conversations, we dig into the hard questions:
- Exploration of your divorce narrative (freedom, relief, or seemingly inevitable, dreaded, etc)
- How did we get to this point?
- What are the negative interaction cycles that keep us stuck?
- What are each of our parts in these cycles?
- What would need to change for our marriage to work?
- Are you willing and able to work on making these changes
After each individual time, we’ll come back together for a few minutes so one partner can summarize a sentence or two about their individual time.
We close each session together, and you decide: “Do we need another session, or do we have enough clarity?”
What You’ll Gain From Discernment Counseling
Clarity about what happened – Most couples are confused about how they got here. You’ll understand the patterns, contributions, and turning points that led to this crisis.
A realistic view of your options – Gain an honest assessment of whether your marriage can change and what that would require.
Understanding of each other’s perspective – Even if you divorce, you’ll understand why this happened instead of spending years wondering or blaming.
Awareness of your contributions – By identifying the negative interaction cycles, you’ll gain an awareness of each of your contributions to the problems, which might be something you need to work on, even if you were in a different relationship.
Confidence to move forward – No more waffling, no more “should we/shouldn’t we.” You’ll know your next step and feel solid about it.
Less collateral damage – If you have children, family, or shared community, moving forward with clarity (rather than years of limbo) protects everyone involved.
Either a stronger foundation for change OR a more respectful divorce – If you choose to work on your marriage, you’ll both be committed. If you choose to separate, you’ll do it with more understanding and less bitterness.
The Doherty Approach
Three Outcomes to Discernment Counseling
Status Quo
Some couples decide they aren’t ready to go their separate ways, and they also don’t have the energy for couples counseling, so they decide to continue as they were before. This is not a common outsome.
Path 2: Divorce
Path two leads to divorce, but only after careful consideration, exploration, and understanding how your marriage got to this point, the negative interaction patterns, and each of your contributions.
Path 3: All-In with Couple’s Therapy (6 months)
Path 3 is a 6-month commitment to go all in on couples counseling, where we focus on your negative interaction patterns and each of you has an agenda for change, which we created along the way.
Goldfinch Counseling
We can Help
Ellery Wren, LPC Associate
Supervised by Gale Hartschuh, LPC-S, LMFT-S
I’m Ellery, a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate in Texas with specialized training in Discernment Counseling, the Doherty Approach, the Gottman Method, and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).
I don’t have an agenda for your marriage. I won’t pressure you to reconcile, and I won’t push you toward divorce. My role is to create a safe, structured space where both of you can explore the truth of your situation and find a path forward.
Here’s what I promise you:
I won’t take sides. The uncertain partner gets space to explore their doubts without guilt. The committed partner gets support without false hope.
I won’t waste your time. This is a short-term process. We’ll work efficiently to help you gain clarity within 1-5 sessions, not drag this out for months.
I will ask you to be honest with me and with yourself. That means looking at your own contribution to the relationship problems, not just your partner’s. It means getting real about what you’re willing to do, and what you’re not.
I will help you find a path forward. Whether that’s reconciliation, divorce, or staying in the marriage as-is, you’ll understand your choice and feel confident in it.
Whether you need clarity about your marriage, support through divorce, or help rebuilding afterward, I’m here to walk with you. If you do decide to divorce, I offer individual therapy (I can only work with one of you, though) to support you through the divorce process and post-divorce healing.
Goldfinch Counseling
Our Plano Office
We see clients in-person in our Plano Texas office (just south of Frisco), at 8105 Rasor Blvd, Suite 225, Plano TX 75075.
Goldfinch Counseling
Discernment Counseling FAQs
How much does discernment counseling cost?
Discernment counseling sessions are typically 2 hours long and cost $300 per two-hour session ($150 per hour). Most couples complete the process in 1-5 sessions, so the total investment ranges from $300 to $1,500.
This is a focused, short-term process—not open-ended therapy—which makes it more affordable than months of traditional marriage counseling.
Insurance typically does not cover discernment counseling since it’s not traditional therapy, but you can use HSA/FSA funds in most cases.
How long does discernment counseling take?
What's the difference between discernment counseling and marriage counseling?
Marriage counseling assumes both partners are committed to working on the relationship and requires months of weekly sessions. Discernment counseling is designed specifically for “mixed agenda” couples where one partner is considering divorce and the other wants to save the marriage. It’s shorter (1-5 sessions total), includes individual time with each partner, and focuses on helping you decide whether to work on your marriage, separate, or continue as-is—rather than trying to fix the relationship right away. It’s about gaining clarity and confidence in your decision, not about reconciliation or divorce specifically.
What happens in the first discernment counseling session?
Are you biased toward divorce or staying together?
No. You have full autonomy to make decisions for your life. I will not sway you one way or the other. My goal is to help you gain clarity about the future of your relationship based on a better understanding of the negative interaction cycles and each of your contributions to the cycle. I may focus a bit more on what might be needed for path 3 (couples therapy) because one or both of you will need help exploring whether or not couples counseling is a real viable option.
Will discernment counseling save my marriage?
What if my spouse doesn't want to do discernment counseling?
How is discernment counseling different from divorce mediation?
Divorce mediation assumes you’ve already decided to divorce and helps you negotiate the practical details (asset division, custody, etc.). Discernment counseling happens before you’ve made the decision about divorce—it helps you decide whether to divorce, stay together, or commit to working on your marriage. Mediation is about logistics and legal agreements; discernment counseling is about clarity and understanding. If you complete discernment counseling and choose Path 2 (separation/divorce), then divorce mediation might be your next step.
Can we do discernment counseling if we're already separated?
What if there's been infidelity in our marriage?
Discernment counseling can absolutely be helpful when infidelity is part of the picture. In fact, affairs often create the “mixed agenda” dynamic where one partner wants out and the other wants to rebuild. During discernment counseling, we’ll explore how the affair happened (both partners’ contributions to the relationship problems), whether trust can realistically be rebuilt, and what reconciliation would actually require. If you choose Path 3 (committing to reconciliation), intensive marriage therapy would focus specifically on healing from the affair. The partner who had the affair must be willing to end it and be transparent during the discernment process.
Is discernment counseling appropriate if there's been domestic violence or abuse?
How do I know if I'm "mixed agenda" enough for discernment counseling?
If one partner is seriously considering divorce (even if they’re not 100% decided) and the other partner wants to save the marriage, you’re “mixed agenda.” It doesn’t mean one person has completely given up and the other is fully committed—it means you’re in different places about the future of the relationship. Common signs: one person has said the word “divorce” or is emotionally withdrawn, while the other is asking to try counseling or fighting to stay together. If you’re both equally committed to working on the marriage, regular marriage counseling would be better. If you’re both certain about divorce, you might just need a mediator or divorce attorney.
What if we can't agree on a path after discernment counseling?
Discernment counseling can’t force agreement, but it can help both partners move forward with dignity, understanding, and less bitterness, even when the outcome isn’t what one partner hoped for. What it eliminates is the painful limbo of “maybe, maybe not” that can last for years.
Who created Discernment Counseling?
Discernment counseling was developed by Dr. William Doherty, a professor and marriage therapist at the University of Minnesota. He created this approach specifically for “mixed agenda” couples after recognizing that traditional marriage counseling doesn’t work well when partners have different levels of commitment. Since its development in the early 2010s, discernment counseling has become a recognized specialized approach used by trained therapists across the country to help couples facing this specific crossroads.
After Discernment Counseling
Support for Whatever Path You Choose
We help through the entire divorce journey: from contemplation, navigating the process, and healing afterward.
Individual Divorce Contemplation
If you need to explore the decision on your own, individual therapy helps you figure out if your marriage is fixable, what you want, and what divorce would really look like.
Going Through a Divorce
If you decide to separate, therapy helps you think clearly, process emotions, and navigate the chaos of divorce—from custody decisions to co-parenting to rebuilding.
Healing After Divorce
After the crisis is over, the deeper work begins. Understand what happened, identify your patterns, rebuild confidence, and make sure your next relationship is different.
In-person or Online
Plano Texas Discernment Counseling
We see therapy clients in-person and online from our Plano, Texas office (just south of Frisco).
Most of our clients are from:
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Schedule an appointment, and let’s get you on a better path.